So, I got one reader :)

Hello Monika, nice to know you're still reading *winks*
So I guess I have to keep up writing this countdown thing so you're able to learn more about me and to make me remember this year - which I don't, only in some flashes.

day 10: 4 happy events

Walpurgisnight
Wacken
being at roleplay conventions

waking up with the feeling to know what to do next year

day 11: 4 capitals of people who were especially important to you during 2011

F K C J

day 12: 4 things you'd like to repeat

I don't know - I wish I would, but I'm not certain of anything right now

day 13: 4 things you're missing

the feeling of knowing someone for like ages
the warm summer nights (which weren't really existing this year tho)
tea with my flat - mate and Jasmin in the kitchen
kind of warmth in my relationships with anyone

day 14: 4 things you like about the winter

the darkness can be kind of comfortable and I like some snow - but not that rainy, stupid shit which is out there most of the time this year

day 15: 4 feelings you mostly had 2011

by reading this blog, I think the most powerful feeling has been loneliness although i'm not really that lonely - and fear

day 16: 4 partys you remember

one year flat - share community with Jane, Christine`s birthday, Falko's birthday and my own birthday of course

day 17: 4 facts

I'm pretty grown - up during this year
I love Falko, I think I'd like to stay with him forever
Therapy hasn't been so bad as I thought before
I'm gonna study Business Administration for real

day 18: 4 things you're happy about 2012

the world finally collapses?

I'll start a new field of study
I'm going to go to Wacken again
Soil sciences will finally be over - in one way or another!

day 19: 4 shitty tests

Haven't had none this year, I assume

day 20: 4 good tests

well, soil sciences went pretty great - I don't remember much of the other tests, but as I've passed them all, they'd be great..

day 21: 4 pictures which say something about 2011

day 22: 4 favorite clothes to wear 2011

ah, I don't know, some warm and dry ones would be alright here

day 23: 4 acts about summer

summer? where? no, actually it was very rainy, very cold but weather was okay the weekends i spent outside..

day 24: A wish which is really important to you

 I want to stay healthy in 2012!

day 25: 4 favorite words

awesome

suit up

day 26: 4 facts about christmas 2011

it was a happy christmas

there were no fights

i even wasn't that annoyed by my brother

presents were rare but nice

day 27: 4 pieces of jewellery

 i don't have any - so?

day 28: 4 things you couldn't live without

Ipod, Books, Pen&Paper

day 29: 4 things reminding you of New Year's Eve 2010/2011

campfire

lots to eat

sing along with songs i don't even know

melancholy

day 30: 4 words to describe 2011

wet

interesting

very long

exhausting

day 31: 4 intentions for 2012

I want to find a job

I want to be brave - tell people "No" when I don't wanna do something and talk about my problems with the people causing them

I'd like to stay healthy

I'll fight like a lioness for my relationship with Falko because it's the third year and he said relationships tend to break in the third year!

Screw that..

As nobody reads this here anyway, this blog is closed now.

Aww..

Hello again..
so, I just realized I had made a promise and I broke it again. Damn me.

Well, I spent two nice days on a cruise to Norway and back and I felt really relaxed on that ship - just to feel more stressed and worn out now that I'm back. I'm so fucked up - I can't stop hating my neighbor, I can't stop fearing the workload I have to do this semester and I just can't help myself from feeling lonely when realizing that Falko meets other people and will spend 4 days on a goddamn LAN Party to play computer games and do silly stuff.

Well, it's the 9th of December, so there are 9 things to write about (this "countdown stuff")..

day 01: 4 songs which remind you of 2011

Knorkator - Alter Mann
Edguy - Trinidad
Die Happy - Sleeping time
Blind Guardian - The Bard's Song

day 02: 4 people you got to know this year

Yvonne, Braunsäckchen, Vivi, Jakob

day 03: 4 special events
 

taking part in role-play convention, winning a trip to Oslo, dancing with Falko on the "Uniball" and my first time in the Gothic Night at Ela

day 04: 4 sad moments

uh oh, I think there were more as 4 this year, at least when I read my blog, it seems like that - uhm, but I can't name special ones.. maybe being a bit lonely on role-play convention without Falko was one very sad moment..

day 05: 4 places you spent most of your time in 2011

Falko's apartment, university, at home, in the park

day 06: 4 things, you'd wish to undo

inviting Jasmin to join the pen & paper group

visiting "Kiel's longest Night"
go on excursions with Jasmin

..I don't know..

day 07: 4 wishes for Christmas

I'd like to stay healthy and happy. Apart of that, everything related to True Blood :D

day 08: 4 things you're currently happy about

My room looks a lot more than my home now.
My boys are cute and healthy.

Falko loves me.
I have the best flat - mate anyone can ever have.

day 09: 4 things you're currently angry about

Jasmin - basically, her.
Soil sciences - because I spend a lot more time trying to figure it out and learn it then I should be.
Putin - it's not a democracy if nobody is able to say what one thinks without being arrested.

Christmas - because it is stressful!

I'm terrible in writing blogs

Hello everyone,

I guess that no one reads this anymore as I rarely find the time to sit down and write another text about my boring life and how terrible everything is etc.
Well, if someone is still reading this, I have an announcement for you:
On the 1st of December, I'll try something new: I'll start with a countdown to 2012 and post a piece of my life everyday.
Things like "Which is the song of the year 2011?" or "4 things you are happy about at the moment" will be uncovered. So stay tuned and have a nice time!

No picture today, I want to go to bed.

It's been a while...

Hello again,

so, my tooth got infected after extracting it as well and it hurt for like 2 weeks or so after the extraction - I think I've never have been crying so much than back then. My only food were painkiller and water because everything else hurt so badly. I've gone rid of 4kg of weight - but don't worry, they're already back as I enjoy life much more since then. You only know what you have when you don't have it anymore, right?

So, my birthday celebration was very, very nice. I've only invited a few friends to have a little sit together and be able to talk to everyone and all my friends liked each other which was one of my biggest worries. Seems like I've finally chosen my perfect group of people who like me. I'm very proud of them and I'm so happy that I'm allowed to love them.

My rats were very sweet during the celebration. They sat at the doors of their cage and looked at my guests and snuffled for the smells of them. Everyone was like: "Wow, how sweet they are!!!" and of course I had to stop them from inserting their fingers through the doors because my rats try to bite than.
Rumo still has this strange wheeze sometimes but the doctor wasn't able to find anything which could cause something like that. He's so sprightly and cheeky though that I'm not really worried about him mostly. Sam makes me worry because he seems to be a little bit more tired than he should be from time to time. Maybe it's just the warmth during summer and now the fall.

Trees are so colorful over here. I love this time of the year and all these different colors nature shows to us. Well, at least, sun is shining at the moment so that's why I can say I love autumn. I think I will be depressed during winter time again. That's not that good at all as I don't want to go back into therapy. Hopefully, I won't need to - keep your fingers crossed for me!

Oh, picture, yeah..

The tooth of wisdom.. or else

Today, there were 3 wisdom tooth extracted out of my mouth.
I'm made out of pain. My mouth hurts so badly, I feel like I can't even talk properly.

It all started on Thursday, when my wisdom tooth in the lower left tooth row began to hurt. At first, I thought everything would be alright on Friday morning, but it wasn't. I've hardly slept and went to the doctor in the early morning. He told me that it was badly infected and I'm taking some antibiotics since then. And today was the "great day" of getting rid of that shitty tooth. I decided to get the last 3 I have extracted so I can be done with that. It was such a fucking bad feeling when he worked in my mouth and since the numbness is over, my mouth just hurts. I know that it is only temporary and stuff, but I'd like to eat a real dinner which is a thing I haven't done since last Wednesday.
And I'm so afraid of injections now as I almost blacked out at the doctors when he gave me this anesthesia, although it was only a local one. Hopefully, I'll never have to get a real injection to black out and get operated.

My thoughts are with you, Kate!

Oh, and did I already mention it's fall? There's the storm, the rain, the everything - and it's too goddamn cold outside for September..

Feeling so sorry

This posting is especially for my pen pals:

I'M SO DAMN SORRY I'M NOT ANSWERING.

I don't know why but my life feels pretty stressful at the moment so I don't find the time and concentration to write letters. Even postcards are hard work to do.
Work and rats and free time and Falko and all this keeps me running around like in a hamster wheel or something. Even at night, I can't really think about myself as thoughts are going round and round.
Only two weeks left, than work is over and I will have more time than I want. But then - latest! - I will write everyone back who's waiting for me to respond.

So, I'm good by the way. Pretty tired and I'd like to have a weekend now as last weekend I've been on a Live Action Role Play Convention and didn't sleep that well and the weekend before I was on this tournament and the weekend before that I've been to Wacken Open Air - it's time for me to rest - I hope this weekend will be alright with that. It's just tomorrow night, there's the Night of the Museums until like 2 o'clock or something but Saturday will be a "stay in bed" - day. Wonderfully wonderful.

Will it stop raining?

It's raining here for like 2 weeks. Right now, the sun came out, but she'll be gone, I'm pretty sure about that.

I've been to my first tournament in Jugger with Falko in Hamburg this weekend. It was really nice as sun was shining the entire Saturday, but on Sunday it started raining again and my mood was like that as well. Felt good to be home again with a roof over my head and 4 walls around me.

Rats are fine. They came out of their cage one day after my last posting, so they probably were confused about being able to get out again. It's nothing serious then and that's good. They are running around right now and they're happy. I have to clean the cage now, it smells a bit. Oh, I love my boys a lot.

I'm in a good mood at the moment. I'm not pretty sure why that is, but it's good that it is. I told myself not to be in a bad mood as that isn't good for my karma and stuff.

Working is fun. I have a new colleague which is very nice. She's studying Ethnology and has a boyfriend in France which makes me feel better because I can see my boyfriend whenever I want to - she can't. It's terrible to think that, isn't it? Well, I don't know.
I have a maybe plan for my future - I want to become a teacher for adults. I'd have to study for 5 years again and do an internship before I can start working but it's a safe job once I got one and I could maybe stay in Kiel afterwards. But I'm not sure if it is the right job for me. I'm thinking about it all the time. Crazy.

Hello again!

So, I'm back from Wacken Open Air now.
Bands were just great and I had a really good time. I shared a tent with Falko which was great as it felt like we were living together and we had really good meals cooked on a camping stove. Every morning there was fresh bread with scrambled eggs and tofu nuggets and every evening there was another hot meal as well. It's unusual but really cool to live like that.
I loved Apocalyptica and Blind Guardian although I never thought to like those two. Avantasia were lame, but I don't like Power Metal so it's not really astonishing. Next year, I will be back, Wacken!
This will be Falko and mine third Wacken then. It's the magical 3 years frontier we'll be crossing.

My rats don't want to come out of their cage today. They had to stay in there for an entire week as I haven't been at home and Jane didn't let them out so they are like shy or confused or I don't know. I tried to attract them with treats but they caught them and ran into the cage again. I'm a little bit afraid that they lost their trust in me or don't know who I am - but maybe they are just miffed that I left them all alone.
I have no important task so I can wait for them to see reason.

Tomorrow I'll start working again for 4 weeks. I'd better have another day off to chill out after Wacken Open Air as I had to clean my clothes and to clear the car out today. But I had told my boss that I could come back on the 8th of August so I have to live with it. It'll be awesome when week has started but right now, I don't want to go anywhere tomorrow morning.

Well, I'm going to peg out washing - the third washing machine and the last one for today.

tweet

Just wanted to say, I got a twitter account now, so you can follow me on http://twitter.com/#!/stoefff now, if you like to. It's mostly about True Blood because I learned that twitter is a great way to learn new stuff about Eric Northman and all that. But I can use my mobile phone for updating so I will do that while Wacken Open Air eventually.

Oh, I baked fantastic corn bread yesterday. Never knew I could but it tasted as great as my memories from 10 years ago told me about it. It's so damn good when it's still warm and fresh. If anyone is interested, I can post the recipe here for sure - oh, as nobody comments this stuff here either, I think I will do it on Saturday or so.

Did I already mention I fell in love with Eric Northman yet? I think I haven't so far, so you know it now. I feel like a little teenager, just silently screaming when I see his face anywhere and I got a wallpaper collection of him, so I see him pretty often - it's hilarious. I'm 23 goddamn years old, feeling like 14. I still love you, Falko, don't be scared! I won't leave you because of a soap bubble. Eric Northman is just a character from a TV series and he's not even real - but sexy. It's like this saying: "To quicken the appetite outside is okay, but you have to eat at home." and that's just what I do.

Enough of this bullshit - I'm pretty tired but I had to share these thoughts before I go to sleep and dream of Eric and me instead of Sookie and.. oh, sorry.

They say I'm a dreamer.. well, I'm not the only one..

I'm still alive and breathing.

I joined twitter two days ago but things don't work out there for me. First of all, my account was suspended and now I can't follow people because they are automatically unfollowed. It's a bug or something and I did report it to the support crew but now I have to wait until they can help me. Twitter is pretty interesting and time consuming as these mini games on Facebook are. Oh, no, I don't have a Facebook account and I don't want to have one, thanks Mr. Zuckerberg. Maybe I'll join Google+ because Google already knows a lot about me.

Yesterday I've been to the exhibition of butterflies in the botanical garden. It's very nice as they fly around freely in one of the halls and sit down on your shoulder, head or leg. Jane wore a brown trouser so one of the butterflies thought she's a tree.. look:

Yes, he's indeed a pretty big one but there were bigger ones. I want to get there again with my more professional cam to take some more pictures, but here are some others:

Beautiful, ain't they? The last butterfly even seems to look at me.

Yeah, what's new besides? Rumo is getting more and more aggressive and I have to stop him from destroying everything. I'm not quite sure but it seems like he's bored with the others and tries to make the best out of it. I certainly have to care of him more often. Maybe playing with these cat toy they have makes him more confident. I think he's gone sleeping now after running around through my room for like 30 min or something. Weirdo.

I met Jasmin yesterday when we started going to this exhibition and I left without telling anything. I feel a little bad but on the other hand she was the one who didn't support me throughout this clash in the students council.

So, today is a little bit like summer and next week will be Wacken Open Air time, so I hope the weather stays for a while. Keep your finger's crossed for me, world. Thanks.

Sun burnt and a little bit sad

I did it.
I passed the oral exam in soil sciences and I even got an A-, which is a 1.3 in German ranking system.
I'm so glad it's behind me and the next test is about 6 months away! Yeah.

This weekend, Falko and me went camping. It was a very sunny, very nice trip as yesterday was one of this real summer days which are sparely existing here. I had no sun blocker with me as I didn't believe there'd be any sunshine at all so now I'm totally burnt on my shoulders, arms and feet. I have no cream against it so it's gonna be another hard night before I get sleep.

There were some teenagers on the camp site as well which kept on talking and drinking all night long so I didn't sleep well last night. Today I got a headache and I'm in a bad mood.

I chatted with Falko, sitting down by the fire, which could've been very romantic and stuff but he told me that he doesn't believe in everlasting love anymore and that relationships for him aren't meant to exist forever which depresses me a lot as I hoped to be his future wife and to become an old couple with him. Well, at least he's becoming 30 next year and I'm not even 24, so maybe I'm a dreamer because I'm so young and he lost his dreams because he's so old and was hurt so many times. I just hope I don't have to leave his life so soon.

Well, you know what? It's Sunday again so it's not very unusual for me to be in such a mood. I think Sundays are the worst days in the week as I'm home alone and won't see him for almost an entire week and usually, the week begins on the next day and so weekend time is over. Now that I got holidays, Monday is the same as Sunday only that the shopping centers are opened. But I still hate it. Too much free time isn't good for me either, ya know. I guess I shouldn't be a student anymore but work, so I wouldn't have so much free time and would be more happy about a few weeks of holidays. Aw, I'm weird.

I don't want to show any picture right now. Maybe later. I wanna do something against my sunburn.

The house of the rising sun

Today was quite nice.
I learned with (my friend) Jasmin for our exam tomorrow morning and we both were pretty good remembering things we were told in the lessons.
Afterwards we had a nice long talk about pretty much everything but our friendship which ended a while ago because of.. I don't know. Maybe because of time or maybe because I'm feeling stressed most of the time. I took some Bach flowers for not feeling stressed anymore - maybe that worked that well I was able to talk to her like nothing ever happened, I don't know.

So, tomorrow there will be my oral exam in soil science and I'm a wreck right now. I should go to bed but I'm that nervous that I'll probably lie there and stare at my ceiling thinking about every question he could ask over and over again until my alarm-clock tells me to raise up, eat and go to the exam. Wow, I haven't been that afraid when I did my graduation which really meant something - this time I could even repeat the test twice.
Sometimes I hate my choice for studies. I'd better stayed at Philosophy instead of geological sciences. Would have been easier and more interesting. But no - Steffi thought in logical terms for once and what happens? She sucks at it. Great, thank you life.

This weekend, Falko and me planed to go camping but the weather doesn't want us to. There's gonna be rain on the weekend so camping would not be much fun. But as there are summer holidays right now, every other possibility like hotels or renting a caravan isn't possible as there are tourists everywhere around. Good for Schleswig - Holstein, bad for us. Well, we decided to see what the weather forecast tells us tomorrow and then we'll see what we can do.

On Friday I'll be in Hamburg at the archaeological museum. I need two more days of field trips to finish my graduation, so that will be one of it. The other one - well, maybe our boss can make that for me. I'll go there asking next week or so. I must write a job application to her anyway. And I need to find a topic for my thesis to start writing it. So many things to do and too less time for everything.
Life's a circle.

Oh, picture for today.. hm.

'cause I feel like this cow, starring at the world with a feeling of "Fuck off, I'm doing it my way!"

Wow, already into July

Hey,
it's already July and I haven't written a posting here yet so I guess it's time for that now.
I'm into learning right now as I have my exams next week. On Monday there will be a test in law and on Thursday it'll be an oral test in soil science. I'm pretty scared of this soil science thing as I just passed the last written exam in it with a 3.7 which isn't very good as 4 is the last mark with which you can pass through it. I even got a headache thinking about it right now.

A good thing about having these tests next week is that I can go camping with Falko on the next weekend as my semester break starts right after the oral test. I will have 3 entire weeks to just hang around - sounds great, doesn't it? I'm not quite sure if it is though. We'll see.

I'm pretty worried about my boyfriend at the moment. He's gone to this Jugger tournament I wrote about earlier about 250km away from Kiel in Oldenburg. He went there this morning at 5 A.M. and I still haven't heard any sign of life from him. Recently send him a SMS but he hasn't answered. I just hope everything is ok - well, yeah, I'm a little bit angry as well as he could at least send a SMS on my mobile phone that he arrived well - that only takes a few minutes and only costs 20 cents which I should be worth.

Oh, I'm still waiting for the summer to come. The last days where hot and full of thunderstorms in exchange. Not really fun. It's goddamn July, it should be hot and sunny and very nice.

My neighbor has sex at the moment and I can everything. She doesn't even try to shut the fuck up, I'm pretty sure. It's like: "Look at me! I got a boyfriend who likes to sleep with me! Hey, I'm here, helloooo!" - well, at least, that's not what she yells but it would be typical. She annoyed me about her boyfriend having so much money and being so great and so on in the last few days. I wish I wouldn't have moved into this flat. I wish I hadn't been her only friend for some months. I just wished everything would be different.
Well, I'm listening music with my headphones now, but I guess I won't be able to sleep that way so keep your finger's crossed they finish in the next few minutes.

I'm not in the mood for pictures, sorry. Have a nice Sunday!

Short update

It's raining again.
I'm sad because Falko promised me a weekend where we'd go camping and isn't able to keep his promise because of goddamn Jugger again. I learn to hate this sport now.
I saw Larry Crowne in cinema. Nice film. Romantic and funny. Tom Hanks is great.

I did it. I ordered a pair of Poi so maybe I'll have a new hobby during summer.

Good night.

I wanna do bad things with you!

Heyya, world outside.

I'm still alive and at least somehow happy.
This weekend I've spend some time with Falko, but not that much as he was on a Jugger trip and I've been on a medieval con which was very nice. I enjoyed playing around with some Poi (without fire, I'm not THAT crazy) and just had a nice time.
Yesterday was the display of fireworks downtown as the Kiel Week finally came to an end but I wasn't interesting in watching but better visited Falko instead. We watched two episodes of Warehouse 13 which is our new series I guess - bye bye Navy CIS. And then went to sleep. I liked awaking this morning, him being my first sight when the alarm bell rings. That's a feeling I could get used to - oh, into dreaming again.

Well, I just organized the first episode of the 4th season of True Blood and can't wait for Jane coming home so we can watch it together. She's at the training and I don't know when she'll be coming back but it feels unfair to watch it without her, I just tried.

I bought beautiful new headphones today. They are pink! and white, which are unusual colors for me but okay when it comes to headphones I guess. And I finally threw away my old bag for a new one. It's black and there are flowers on it and it has a lot of pockets. It's pretty cool but I haven't a picture of both of these things yet so maybe later.

So, that's my little update for now - just wanted to tell I'm alive before anyone gets scared.
My picture:

Let's rock!

Into things I don't care about.

Hi there,

"I could care less" it's just the main topic of this weekend.
My friend or not friend anymore Jasmin who were with me on this medieval market last week wanted me to ask a friend if she could make her a medieval hood with a Liripipe as well. I asked this friend and now I have to discuss what kind of material it should be made of and how much money Jasmin will give her. I don't fucking care. I already have such a piece of art and I'm not Jasmin's mother, so she should be old enough to figure those things out for herself. It's just like the fact she asked me when the medieval market in Schleswig will be instead of using her brain and google. I had to ask Google also, so why can't she?
Oh, and she's meeting a guy she got to know via internet and fell in love with only by hearing his voice. He's 23 and wants to have children already. Which ordinary guy wants to have a family with 23?
I propose she will be married in 2 weeks as she meets him next week. Gonna be great. I don't think I want to know him. Her last boyfriend was such an asshole. Phew.

So, I had some course of the Archaeology of Maya this weekend which was very interesting and now I'm going to visit my boyfriend in a few minutes. Life is getting back to normal, I guess.

Oh, my day of the pic.. or vice versa.

I would love to do what the swans on this picture are doing as world would let me rest then.
Goodbye for now.

Mixed.

It's a pity how much time I spend with doing nothing instead of keeping this blog fresh.

So, for a little impression of what I've done this weekend, I got this picture of the day today:

On Saturday, I went to a pub with two friends of mine and we watched a band called "Tüdelband", drank a cocktail and went dancing in the Pumpe afterwards.
And yesterday I was on the biggest middle ages market in Schleswig - Holstein with my brother, his girlfriend and a friend of mine which was nice as well.
Today I spent some time with my family and some time with my rats which was nice too.

I have mixed feelings concerning the return of my boyfriend. On the one hand I'm really looking forward meeting him again and I am pretty happy to not be alone anymore. But on the other hand I'm enjoying my freedom a little too much at the moment which means I enjoy the feeling of not having to tell anyone what I do at a certain time and I don't have to consider anyone else by planning things.
These thoughts make me kind of sad. It's like it was back then with Andy, I use my brain for judging over my relationship and try to ignore what my heart's telling me.

About my rats, to switch back to the main topic of this blog, they are alive and well. Sam ate an entire egg all alone, so I guess he will be the one who can be rolled soon. Rumo and Johnny are pretty shy, the other two boys came snuggling with me today, it's a little bit sad but tolerable.

Tomorrow I've got to work again and I don't want to. But as soon as I'm there, everything will be fine. It's just stressing at the beginning of the week. But I only have to start at 11 AM, so I have plenty of time to sleep and have breakfast, maybe even coffee before I go there. Sounds great, hu?

Wow, tonight is a night I'd like to cut my head off to stop thinking or to get rid of my heart so it stops speaking to me over and over again. Feel kind of heartbroken.

I don't understand myself. And 'til Thursday, everything will already be forgotten so I can't tell my therapist. Damn.

Back in black to protect the world

I'm back - okay, I already arrived here on Saturday but I had to sleep and play with my rats and go on a car boot sale and spend some time with my parents - stuff as usual although I have been gone for only 3 days.

It was pretty nice in Denmark. I thought it to be horrible as it was Geology but the weather was just that great, we even could run around in T - Shirts on the beach and most of the time it was just sitting down on the beach and listen to what the profs told us. Only the last day had a bad task for us, but luckily me and Jasmin had some help by Anna which does Geology as here first choose and everything was alright.

I miss Falko. Everything was okay in Denmark as I had enough stuff to do to not think about me being lonely or him being far away, on the other side of the Northern Sea. And Sunday was okay as well, although it was strange to be on that car boot sale without him. But yesterday he wrote an E - Mail to tell me he is still alive and fine and now I'm becoming more sad from hour to hour. I read that mail over and over again and was pretty happy he still loves me and thinks about me as he told, but it's so goddamn cold without him here - in a metaphorical sense.

Well, today there was a thunderstorm here and I had a terrible headache before it started. Now that I have slept a few hours and the thunderstorm was here, everything's better but I'm not tired anymore which is not that good as I have lessons tomorrow and I have to work as well - well, I have to write letters to Lauren in England and Kate in the USA, but I can't find any motivation as I wrote the report for Denmark for the last few hours. Sorry, Kate and Lauren (although you're not reading this..).

So, here's one of the pictures I have taken in Denmark, there are more coming up soon.

Ok..let's go!

Der Himmel ist blau
und der Rest deines Lebens liegt vor dir
Vielleicht wäre es schlau
dich ein letztes Mal umzusehen
Du weißt nicht genau warum
aber irgendwie packt dich die Neugier
Der Himmel ist blau
Und der Rest deines Lebens wird schön

Du hast ein gutes Gefühl
Du denkst an all die schönen Zeiten
Es ist fast zuviel
Jetzt im Moment
neben dir zu stehen
Du hast kein klares Ziel
aber Millionen Möglichkeiten

Ein gutes Gefühl
und du weisst es wird gut
für dich ausgehen

Der Himmel ist blau
Der Himmel ist blau

Die Welt gehört dir
Was wirst du mit ihr machen
Verrate es mir
Spürst du wie die Zeit verrinnt

Jetzt stehst du hier
und du hörst nicht auf zu lachen
Die Welt gehört dir
und der Rest deines Lebens beginnt

Der Himmel ist blau
So blau
So blau....

Die Ärzte - Himmelblau

Yeah, I know, it's not an English song. But I love it a lot. I was listening to it today when I went home from work and I thought: "Yeah, it's true, you have no real goal but a few thousand possibilities so you can do whatever you want. Your whole life is in front of you and it's gonna be good." - Don't ask me where I got this feeling or why. This day wasn't any special and I got some aches in my tummy because I have to spend my weekend in Denmark with Jasmin, without Falko and far away from home. Wow, I never thought I could like home that much. I just hope it will be better afterwards. No EHEC for me, please.

My picture of the day..uhm, I have to look for it.

This is Uschi, the friendly locomotive. I used to spend my evenings with her when I was a teenager as this playground is located near my dancing school and me and my friends used to hang around there to drink, smoke and have a nice time on Saturday evenings, when our parents thought we were only dancing. That was a nice time.. sigh.
So, I'm heading of to Denmark to produce some maps of stones for my geology studies. I will be going there on Thursday morning and come back on Saturday evening. On Sunday there will be the big car boot sale downtown so I won't be able to sleep long though. A long weekend without weekend. Hurray. I don't want to go :( I'd love to stay at home and visit the university or go working on Friday. It really sucks.

Well, enough of that already. Gotta go play Hide and Seek with my rats or better eat something before I die starving.
Don't be worried, world, I'm existing, but in another space (and time - I do believe time is running slower in Denmark than in Germany! quite sure!). See you later.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy.. sometimes I know I'm not..

Got two lovely letters from my pen pals today.
The girl from America only wrote "Steffi" and then my address but the post man was clever enough to find me though. I'm impressed. And I felt like hugging the entire world when I found the letters. I'm that happy people seem to like me, at least through my letters.

I have a terrible aching back today. I don't know how to sit or lie or stand because everything hurts. I hope it will be over tomorrow. I don't know what I've done but I've obviously done something.

Tonight, I have an irregular date with Falko as he will have to spend some time with his friend Ole on the weekend and next week will be his holiday starting. I want to go with him so badly, he will spend almost 2 weeks in Ireland, going from pub to pub with his friend Ole. We didn't have any time on last weekend and we won't have much of it this weekend and than he will be gone. He just called me to tell me that he's not that sure if it's a good idea for me to come as he just came home from work and has to go doing sports now and afterwards he should only chill out and go sleep. I counted hours until I'm able to go see him and now he again disappointed me. Phew. I don't know what to do as he said I could come if I still want to, he wouldn't have enough time for me and will have to wake me up at 6:30 AM tomorrow morning to go to work. I don't care when I awake tomorrow as it's only studying, not working but he sounded quite dismissing.

Life is a bitch.

Apocalypse now!

Today there should have been the Apocalypse as some stupid American Christian mend to tell the world. It didn't happen. So now what, asshole?
I hoped the world would collapse. It would be kind of funny to experience such a thing. I guess, it wouldn't if I were in. But in theory it sounds like a nice idea. Everything would be over and it would end with a big bang. Little sensation - better than just quietly sleep away, I guess.

My altered rat is very happy to be with the others again. He cuddled with his worst enemy Sam for a while and now he's eating the same amount Sam does. He'll be a big rat, I guess. Altered rats have a tendency for becoming big. More to love, that's what I'll say about it. He was so sweet in this little cage, he always sat close to the edge and looked at me when I came near as if he wanted to say: "Hi Mom, could you please take me out of here? It's not the right seize for me.". Now he can move into the wardrobe again and I guess he will be that happy when he realizes. They're running around freely right now.

Falko is back in Kiel again and all over sudden I feel dependent again. It was a nice weekend although I mostly thought about him, wishing he'd be with me. I almost cried on Friday night as Kim and Darl were that happy holding and kissing each other. But I'm a big girl, I don't cry. So I felt independent and I loved it. The thought that I can use my time as I want to was quiet nice. Although I was a little bored yesterday, it was some kind of.. I don't know, it's a weird feeling. Now I'm sitting here, asking myself if it is right to feel like that and if I wouldn't be happier without a relationship. I love him - oh, how much I love him - but I seem to like more freedom I got .. well, I got in my head. In reality I've got as much freedom as I like, I could even say: "I don't want to spend the weekend with you, I have other plans." and he wouldn't even be sad about it (or at least he would but he wouldn't tell..). But my head or heart or some other goddamn part of me keeps telling me I am tied to him and have to spend as much time with him as I can - although he doesn't share this opinion as he likes to spend time with his friends when they ask. That's okay for me, I don't mean he shouldn't do it but - ah, I don't know, I can't even explain. Maybe like that: I would more likely refuse going out with my friends to spend time with him as he would. And that makes me confused, a little bit sad and angry.
Goddamn Sundays. I hate them.

I'm going to watch My Name is Earl now. 3 Episodes left til Season 4 is finished. No more My Name is Earl for me. So sad.

You're a man...aren't you?

Finally, my Johnny is altered. He's alive and well, being curious and cheeky like a rat is but he doesn't like to be in that 40x60cm cage which even fits on my writing desk! How can people seriously think about keeping animals in such cages? I mean, there must be people who do that as they wouldn't be for sale otherwise. It's so sad to see Johnny in a cage he can hardly turn around in. He got food, a house and a hammock in there which are the main things he shall have. But I can't wait to keep him with his friends in the wardrobe again.

We have to repay a lot for electricity. It's a huge amount which doesn't ruin us completely but close to it. If we have an additional payment for our heating installation as well our flat - share cash box will be empty and out of order for a few months.
It's too bad we have these boilers in kitchen and bathroom and a dishwasher as well. And the municipal utility of Kiel is just so expansive because people are too lazy to change their supplier of electric energy.

Wow, the rats are fighting without Johnny though. Maybe they have to fight out who's gonna be the next boss. I just hope Johnny won't be a victim without his balls now.

Oh, I need a picture of the day.. let's see..

I'm going write an answer letter for my pen pal in England now. Trying to keep an eye on the boys meanwhile. They are crazy - or close to it.

Have a nice evening, world wide web!

Where did the summer go?

I still remember the days, when I was able to take pictures like these:

But now it doesn't stop raining. This grey ceiling makes me feel depressed and let's me lose my will to live and to have fun though.

Johnny is going to be altered. He will lose his eggs finally. My doctor said it's the only way making his aggression stop. On Friday, yeah, on Falko's birthday, he made Sam bleed and I had to stay at home. I hated him for that, we had planned such a nice weekend together which didn't work out because I had to stay with my pets. So, yesterday, I visited the vet and on Thursday will be his big day. I hope it works out as we all hope.

Working at the Government of Kiel is pretty much fun. Most of the time I don't know what to do but it was my second day today should become better within the next days or weeks. Tomorrow will be the placing of some "Stolpersteine" which are memorials for the victims of the NS regime during WW 2. There will be 21 stones placed all over Kiel and our mayor will hold a speech, so I am the girl for the electricity, yeah. More responsibility for the little girl I still am.

Sam is cuddling with me finally. He sits on my shoulder and I'm even allowed to pet him. Hooray.
There will be True Blood on TV later that evening and my flat-mate bought torte to party that. I only want to sleep but I can't do that to her.

Well, Good Night World Wide Web.

Rats, rats, rats

I just read older posts from this blog and learned that I wanted to write about my rats obviously. I'll do it in a jiffy.

So, my rats are 6 months old now and they are still fighting who could be the chief. I'm thinking about starting a Bachblüten therapy with Johnny at the moment as he seems to be the aggressive one of the four. They love running around me in the evening and I still constructed no fences made of wood although I think about it for almost 4 months now. I need my money for other things though. Rumo is the bravest one of the four. He is the one who tries to discover anything new as the first one and he is the one who loves to climb on my shoulder. He's followed by Sam who is people-oriented and is the one who is happy when I enter the room. He loves to climb up my leg until he reaches my shoulder and then just sit there and look around. I think he will be cuddly when he's older. Furthermore he is the one who feeds the most. After they're back in their cage, it's him who sits there for like hours and eats until I go to sleep. Most of the times he seems to stop it and go to sleep then as well.
Johnny is very afraid of people. He always yells when I take him and he tries to escape when I come to close. Sometimes he climbs on my shoulder as well but only if there are other rats near him.
Max doesn't really know what to think of me yet. Sometimes he likes to be near but he likes his freedom as well. Let's see where all of this goes.
I would say I love Rumo the most but that is not fair. I love all 4 of them with their own characters and it was a good decision to have pets although on some days I'd like not to have to care about them. But when they come to me to snuggle with me, I forget these days and just be happy.

Yeah, but now I'm going to bed to make Sam sleep. Bye.

Yesterday stays yesterday and the future's yet to come.

I read older blog entries I haven't published ever and won't ever publish and now I'm feeling kind of sad. I feel like I felt back then, in 2009, when breaking up with Andy was new and Nika wasn't there to help as she had her own problems or rather wanted to make me feel like she got her own problems. It was a destructive time back then. I don't know where and who I would be if this all wouldn't have happened but I guess I'd be somewhere and someone else. We can't change our past but we can change our future. I try to tell me this but I feel like building a cave out of my blanket and cry inside it. Cry for the part of me I've lost to Andy. The part of me I've lost to Nika. And the part of me which I gave to Falko which isn't lost yet but maybe one day in the future.
I've looked through his gallery at studiVZ and found an ex - girlfriend of him, at least that's what I think she had been, sitting next to him, looking sweet. And all I think to this picture is: "One day, I'll be just a random ex - girlfriend sitting next to him on some pictures in the past." Yeah, another thing that could make me cry. I'd like to know where we'll be next year, next decade or when we're old like our parents are. I'd love to live in a big house with a nice garden and some cats with him, just being satisfied by sitting next to each other and have had a good life. I easily can imagine being a grandmother without grandchildren, sitting in a rocking chair with a cat on my legs and just watch the sun going down in the evening or the cars driving by.
Sometimes people are way too fast for me. When I walk through the city, I always think "Why are all these people running? And where are they running?" Maybe my therapist is right by telling me I'm like an old woman mostly.
On Monday, I'll start working. I will do an internship at the government of culture and further education and I will kind of organize the Night of Museum there. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? I hope it will be good for something - maybe I can stay in Kiel. Hopefully he can stay in Kiel as well. Then we could stay together in Kiel - wow, how nice it sounds.

By the way, this is my picture of the day:

I made a series of pictures of my rats as they were so sweet today. I cleaned the room for our party on Saturday so it's kind of new for them and they have to fight out who the boss is. I found it awful and had nothing else to do. And I'm still looking for any new motives for posters as the one poster with Rumo looks very nice on my wall.
Maybe there will be a picture of that up next.

Have to go to bed before I fall off my chair. Good Night, world.

Somewhere over the rainbow..

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.

I visited the local aquarium with a friend yesterday and took some pictures. This is one of the best. It's not that easy with all these glass in front of the fishes.

We walked through the city and talked about future today. It's really depressing as we both don't know where we will work and live next year. You wonder what future will bring. Maybe you'll live many miles away from me. Will you still love me then?

I feel a little bit sad right now. I have an aching tooth and I miss my boyfriend and I wonder what future will bring. Saturday, there will be the "I live for one year with Jane now" - Party and I don't feel like partying. I do hope the pain is over tomorrow - it'll be weekend and I'll spend it with you - at least mostly. But I don't feel like really doing it. I'm just... sad. Trying to think positive. But haven't reached that point where I can keep my head up all the time.
I want to buy a house with you and live in peace for eternity :(

It's good night.. not goodbye.

Another daytime - another perspective

Today I woke up at 6 AM and decided to let my rats run.
It's like they were in a brand new territory. At least they act like that with all this running around and checking every place they can reach. It's so awful sweet.

This is a kind of heritage for the persons which had died in the first World War. It's on our local graveyard and I found this combination of nature (tree) and human (stone) really interesting. And it's another time using my black and white possibility. I love it.
Has nothing to do with the topic of this post but it's my picture of the day (Although I haven't taken pictures today yet. But that doesn't matter.)

Trust - but better control before you want to believe..

Say, that I am your girl and that you love me only
time, is rushing away and you‘re still not here with me
cool, I should be when you say that you don’t like my hair
why, am I even with you, why d’ I stay?
Our Love is history
cause you don't care for me
I'm leaving, this is goodbye, goodbye yeah
you're never by my side
I want to live my life
this is the end, can't you see it

((c) by Die Happy - Goodbye)

I love lyrics. They mostly say what I'm feeling, thinking, remembering. In better words I could.

Lucky bugs. They have each other and face the world together. Like you and me.

I thought love was only true in fairy tales...

..but today I tried to keep my head up and love myself as I didn't find a reason not to do so. My heart yells at me as it doesn't feel right to have such thoughts yet but I guess they are the only way I can become happy and stay like that.
So, my picture of the day is from yesterday as I had no time to take pictures today but it's a happy one indeed:

How beautiful the colors of spring can be, even if the flowers are still sleeping.

Have a nice evening, stranger. I'm going to write the letter to my pen pal in Poland finally so I can drop it into the mailbox tomorrow.

Oh, by the way, strangers are only friends you don't know yet - should be the motto of us all, as the world would be a nicer place than.

Say Hello to the Picture of the Day

So, I finally got a cam, well two at least, and can start my "Picture of the Day" category. Today I went to the botanical garden with some friends and took awesome pictures like this one:

Isn't it awful great? I like how the turtle just enjoys herself on that stone. Oh, and I can take black&white pictures with the camera which is pretty cool.

Watch out - it's right behind your back!

Watch out, I'm right behind you, ready to kick some ass!

Today was a very nice day. Eastern, I say, spend it with my family. And liked it. We were having brunch and a long walk inside the Open Air Museum in Molfsee and coffee with cake. Great it is. But I hurt my friend just badly. Told him he doesn't need to come with me and my family on this long walk, being angry at him when I wanted to do as I told him. I guess there it was, my evil me again and whispered in my ear to hate him if he does what he wants. It makes me kind of sick that he doesn't get angry at me because of that as I am angry of myself for doing it.
Finally got another camera. My brother bought a new one and my dad bought me his old one. Or told him to give it to me. Or something like that. I don't know but it seems like I can keep it.

I don't deserve such things. I don't deserve life being good to me and especially I don't deserve his love. I'm a monster.
Oh, don't forget to mention, it's Sunday again and I'm having the blues. I seriously need a free time activity for days like this. Something I can do even when the rats are running around my feet, just waiting to get more food to get bigger. Well, they have a good life here. I just wished my life would be that good as well. They eat, sleep, run around, eat, sleep. And they always have accompany with the others but they can go somewhere else when they don't want this accompany anymore. I hope I'm a pet in my next life, so someone loves me and I can live an innocent life, never knowing what cruel things I can do to others. Wow, that would be great.
Why do I hate myself?

Well, the monster is here now and I can't make it go away so I guess I'm going to sleep, hoping it will be gone on the other day. I have big plans for tomorrow, going on an Easter Egg Hunt and having breakfast with people who like me obviously. They'll all learn how not that lovable I am truthfully.

Good Night.. and Goodbye for now.

Driving against the horizon

I was just reading my older posts and suddenly had a picture in my mind where a car hits the horizon and breaks down. I don't really know where that picture came from and why it is there, but it is.

It's another Saturday I spend at home, all alone, asking me what sense living under such circumstances has. It's just me and my boys again, honey. I mean, yeah, I have a partner who loves me, a roommate who likes me and I'm pretty good in what I do - although most people know much more than me - but I'm the brain. I can remember things until I got tested and then all over sudden forget them again - totally not awesome. But SATURDAY! And he prefers to play video games. It's like we exchanged Saturday evening for Sunday afternoon. But I don't want to live like that - I don't want to exchange hours against other hours. I just want to be with him. By the way, that's what makes me cry on almost every Saturday afternoon - this feeling of being desperate and insecure when I'm close to him. Oh, this thought beamed itself into my head as well. It was just like a shot, sitting in the bus and driving home and bam - there it was.

Actually, that shouldn't be a blog about my mental problems but it seems to become such a blog. Well, there aren't people reading, it's just me, so who cares?

Oh, if anyone else reads: don't worry, I'm already in therapy yet.

The sun is shining bright and it's weekend - not awesome? Well, for other people this may be awesome. For me, everyday is like a weekend. And every minute feels like hours.

Let's go crying.

Receiving and giving

Hi everyone.

Look, what a lovely letter I got from my pen pal Lauren from England:

I just love the stationery and the postcard she sent. There are like many stickers and little comments on the stickers and a very friendly and nice to read letter.
Can't wait to write an answer. Lucky me I got this letter as I was starting to drown in boredom and becoming sad again because life isn't that fair.

Have a nice day!

Last few words before going to sleepmode.

I finally reached this point where I feel like I've gotta say: "Goodbye and thanks for all the fish."

No, seriously. On evenings like this I think about the many, many differences between me and him and wonder if it's the right thing to be in a relationship together. He is a man who needs and loves his freedom and plans things without me all the time. I'm more like the stick together person who doesn't know what to do with that much freedom and when I'm making plans I usually surrender how he could fit into them.
I want to go on holidays with him so badly. He wants to go on holidays all alone. I would love to share an apartment with him. He wants to buy an apartment for himself without considering what's happening to our relationship in the future.
I'm just sad and don't know where to go or what to do with myself. Maybe I'm just that sick and tired. Before he called this evening, I was just happy to spend time with my boys, watching TV and enjoying myself. After he called, I felt like crying. My whole world broke down. It feels like he quit but he didn't. It's just one goddamn weekend he won't spend with me. In April. There may be more. And he doesn't consider me to go with him like Vivi supposed. That's just so... I even don't know how to describe it, it feels like I'm not a part of his life and never shall be.

Well, it supports my "you're worthless" - thoughts just well. Hurray. I think I gotta talk about all this with him on Wednesday. It's gonna be great .. wait, great isn't the right word ..I even hate myself for thinking these things yet.

Good Night World.

Rechts - geht gar nicht! Konzert / 18.03.2011 - Pumpe, Kiel

As my log in data for dremufuestias.de doesn't work anymore, I decided to write reviews for myself. I want these memories to stay and I'd like to share them. So if anyone finds this blog and reads it, I'd be happy to know. Sadly I have to write in German as it's much to hard for me to tell all this in English yet. Maybe I'll translate it someday.

Na, sieh mal einer an. Offensichtlich sind sich "die da oben" doch über die zunehmende Präsenz der rechten Szene in Kiel bewusst. Eine Zusammenarbeit zwischen Amt für Migration und Mädchen - und Jugendtreffs der Landeshauptstadt Kiel hat zu einer Schulhof CD geführt, die den schönen Titel "Rechts - geht gar nicht" trägt und als Gegenschlag zur Verteilaktion der rechten Szene gesehen werden darf. Auf der CD selbst sind Bands wie Escapado, NoM, Randalekind, Morbus Down und weitere regionale Künstler zu finden und ein Song von Sebastian Krumbiegel von den Prinzen, darauf ist man anscheinend besonders stolz, zumindest wirkt es in der Ankündigung des Konzertes so.

Als wir in der Pumpe ankommen, ist Bert van Wurst schon fertig. Dabei handelt es sich wohl um einen Liedermacher, der Titel, der von ihm auf der CD ist, heißt "Man bist du männlich", aber da ich im Moment keinen CD - Player habe, kann ich dazu auch nix sagen. Ach und auffällig ist, dass vor der Bühne ein Zaun steht. Das hab ich in der Pumpe ja noch nie oder zumindest lange nicht mehr erlebt. Hatten die Veranstalter Angst vor randalierenden Teenies?

Die zweite bzw. für uns erste Band ist dann Freihändig. Dabei handelt es sich um 3 Frauen, die ein fröhliches Pop-Rock-Gemisch fabrizieren. Für mich ist das Ganze eher so Hintergrundmusik, weshalb ich auch nur mit halbem Ohr zuhöre, aber man sagte mir, dass alle Texte von Frauen handeln. Gute Laune macht die Musik ja irgendwie schon, aber zum Tanzen sind noch nicht so wirklich viele Leute aufgelegt. In der ersten Reihe ziehen sich dafür ein paar Jugendliche die T-Shirts aus - brr, da frier ich schon beim Anblick. Ach, das Publikum ist im Übrigen im Durchschnitt etwa 16, aber das war irgendwie auch nicht anders zu erwarten.

Danach kommen nach einer Umbaupause und ein paar Worten unseres lieben Oberbürgermeisters Torsten Albig (der uns übrigens rät, Nazis ab zu reißen) Beatshock aus Neumünster. Der Frontfrau gelingt es auch sofort mich zu beeindrucken, die hat einfach Charme und tritt sehr charakterstark auf. Die Musik ist auch hier wieder von etwas seichterem Kaliber und die Songs ziehen sich auch schon mal in die Länge, aber auch diese Bands liefert eigentlich Tanzmusik - auf die wieder mal keiner reagiert.

Als drittes betreten Emily die Bühne und ich sag noch: "Über die hab ich mal n schlechtes Review geschrieben.", ohne mir dessen sicher zu sein. Aber wie heißt es noch so schön? Wer nix erwartet, wird meistens positiv überrascht und so auch dieses Mal. In der Ankündigung hieß es "Alternative", aber was Emily da spielen, hört sich für mich nicht nach typischem Alternative - Geschrabbel an, sondern gefällt mir richtig gut. Irgendwie melodisch und wütend und Punkrock. Und das Publikum hat auch Spaß dran. Wenigstens macht die Musik keine gute Laune mehr.

Und dann sind NoM an der Reihe und da ich die ohne Andi noch nicht kannte, war ich mächtig gespannt. Die Songs, die ich übrigens trotz ungefähr 2 Jahren Abstinenz von der Band alle noch kannte und mitsingen konnte, klangen eigentlich wie immer. Aber mir persönlich fehlte Andi schon, der neue Bassist ist halt nicht so die Rampensau. Dafür gibt Cpt. Koch alles, stellt sich auch ma mitten ins Publikum und rockt unten mit. Gefällt mir aber nach wie vor ganz gut.

Eigentlicher Headliner ist aber Rumba Santa, eine Ska - Band, bei der der Hülsy von Morbus Down und der Gerhard von ehemals Sexto Sol und Abgelehnt mit spielen. Außerdem steht noch ne Freundin von mir hinter der Posaune, so dass ich da zumindest mal reinhöre. Aber, naja, es ist halt Ska, den mag ich immer noch nicht so richtig und daher kann ich nicht viel dazu sagen, außer immerhin angenehmes, schnelles Tempo und ansonsten sehr lateinamerikanisch und tanzbar.

Nothing remains.

We've done it. We have been down to the "Räucherei" to listen to Irish folk music. And it was quite nice. Yeah, most of the time, me and Falko are spending on his couch, watching movies or eating or just doing nothing. But this weekend we went to a concert which was awesome as it was different.
Oh yeah and on Friday I've been to the "Pumpe" and visited a punk show. That was awesome too as I talked to old friends and had a blast.
It was not that good for my cold though. Sunday I thought I'd have to die because of headache and even fresh air didn't really help. Paracetamol did a good job there recently.

I guess writing in English has won. I got two pen pals now, one in Missouri, USA and one in England so I´m writing English letters most of the time and still wishing to be able to talk English all the time as I like that language. Well, maybe I should consider studying in England or the USA for my master's degree. I'll think about it.
Oh, I tried to find out what to study with my bachelor degree but people at German universities aren't that willing to help. At 3 universities people weren't even answering the phone and the university in Jena just gave me a link to their M.A. studies available. These web pages don't tell me if the B.Sc. in archaeology is a natural science or a culture study or what. So the only thing I'm sure about is that I don't want to go on studying prehistoric and historic archaeology - and for the other things I have to go on searching and asking and phoning. How totally not awesome.

And spring isn't there yet. The sun didn't come out today and it was cold. I'm starting to hate this new weather and this climate changing thing.

Feed me.

Große und kleine Lügen.

Happy St. Patrick´s Day everyone! Today we´re all Irishmen and Irishwomen!

Ich gucke kein Fernsehen.
In diesen Tagen sorgt der Fernseher nur dafür, dass ich deprimiert bin. Natürlich, ich bin in Gedanken bei den Japanern und es tut mir leid, was dort passiert. Aber es muss doch nicht jeder Sender nur über das eine Thema berichten, oder? Es gibt gewiss noch andere schlimme Dinge auf dieser Welt.
Und dann die Politiker. Sie machen den Mund auf und lügen. Sie lächeln und lügen. Wir werden alle betrogen und verkauft. Schaltet doch die blöden Atomkraftwerke ab, aber alle und für immer und nicht auf die nächsten 3 Monate, weil da ja nun mal Wahlen statt finden. Ich könnte kotzen.
Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Tschernobyl, Fukushima. Reicht es nicht? Sind das nicht genug Tote und Verstrahlte um Atomkraft ruhen zu lassen?
Ach nein, es fällt auf, nichts davon ist in Deutschland passiert - na, dann kann es ja so schlimm nicht sein. Es sind auch kaum Deutsche dabei verletzt worden, gestorben oder krank geworden? Na, prima, wozu dann die Aufregung?
Und was wissen wir über die Spätfolgen von Atomkraft? Nichts, weil wir die noch nicht erforschen konnten. Ja, richtig.
Die derzeitige Entwicklung lässt mich hoffen, dass es keine Wiedergeburt gibt.

Ich würde diesen Blog gerne auf Englisch weiter führen, nur für den Fall, dass mal jemand über den Link "Nächstes Blog" hier her gelangt. Aber mein Englisch ist dafür nicht gut genug. Ich verbringe übrigens Stunden damit, auf "Nächstes Blog" zu klicken und die Schicksale anderer Menschen zu teilen. Menschen, die ich nicht kenne und wohl nie kennen lernen werde. Aber ich kann lesen, dass sie ihre Kinder vermissen, dass sie heiraten oder schwanger sind oder schöne, lange Urlaubsreisen veranstalten. Und neidisch sein.

But I think I don´t like traveling. Everyone does love traveling and wants to visit the whole world. I don´t. I mean, I guess the world´s interesting and great and I´d love to see it all. But traveling means talking in foreign language, meet people you don´t know and talk to them, make new friends and be away from home for a longer time. I like home. Yeah, I´m pretty lonely being here and yeah, I won´t change if I stay here, I will stay mommy´s little girl forever. But I don´t want to leave this all behind, even for a week or two. My belly told me to stay here. When I visited Karlsruhe as an excursion by the university, I had terrible aches two days before and two days after and while staying there. I don´t know what it is that makes me so scared of foreign countries and foreign people. I´m just like that girl who wants to be home.
Well, I´m gonna move next year to a different town, no matter what my belly tells me. I don´t know which town it´s gonna be, as I don´t know what I want to do there. But I don´t want to stay mommy´s little girl forever.

Maybe I´m only lying to myself. If Falko stays here, I will stay here for sure. If Falko moves, I´ll move. That´s independent, isn´t it? NO, it is not. Well - that´s how I work. Just give me a person to love and I´ll blindly follow the leader. If there is no such a person, I´m lost. Sadly but true.
Yeah, I think I should shot my head and just piss off. Cause that´s what people should tell me better than claiming to be my friends and talk behind my back. Yesterday, two girls from my studies laughed about me when I bumped into them downtown. I hate them as they try to convince me they are great and then they laugh at me like children in school did back then. Wow, that was such a shock, I almost wanted to cry but I did not. Bitches.

Well, let´s see what future brings for me. Now, I´m going to throw away shoes I don´t need any more as I have like 100 pairs and only wear like 2 or 3. Later.