Sonntag, 22. Mai 2011

Apocalypse now!

Today there should have been the Apocalypse as some stupid American Christian mend to tell the world. It didn't happen. So now what, asshole?
I hoped the world would collapse. It would be kind of funny to experience such a thing. I guess, it wouldn't if I were in. But in theory it sounds like a nice idea. Everything would be over and it would end with a big bang. Little sensation - better than just quietly sleep away, I guess.

My altered rat is very happy to be with the others again. He cuddled with his worst enemy Sam for a while and now he's eating the same amount Sam does. He'll be a big rat, I guess. Altered rats have a tendency for becoming big. More to love, that's what I'll say about it. He was so sweet in this little cage, he always sat close to the edge and looked at me when I came near as if he wanted to say: "Hi Mom, could you please take me out of here? It's not the right seize for me.". Now he can move into the wardrobe again and I guess he will be that happy when he realizes. They're running around freely right now.

Falko is back in Kiel again and all over sudden I feel dependent again. It was a nice weekend although I mostly thought about him, wishing he'd be with me. I almost cried on Friday night as Kim and Darl were that happy holding and kissing each other. But I'm a big girl, I don't cry. So I felt independent and I loved it. The thought that I can use my time as I want to was quiet nice. Although I was a little bored yesterday, it was some kind of.. I don't know, it's a weird feeling. Now I'm sitting here, asking myself if it is right to feel like that and if I wouldn't be happier without a relationship. I love him - oh, how much I love him - but I seem to like more freedom I got .. well, I got in my head. In reality I've got as much freedom as I like, I could even say: "I don't want to spend the weekend with you, I have other plans." and he wouldn't even be sad about it (or at least he would but he wouldn't tell..). But my head or heart or some other goddamn part of me keeps telling me I am tied to him and have to spend as much time with him as I can - although he doesn't share this opinion as he likes to spend time with his friends when they ask. That's okay for me, I don't mean he shouldn't do it but - ah, I don't know, I can't even explain. Maybe like that: I would more likely refuse going out with my friends to spend time with him as he would. And that makes me confused, a little bit sad and angry.
Goddamn Sundays. I hate them.

I'm going to watch My Name is Earl now. 3 Episodes left til Season 4 is finished. No more My Name is Earl for me. So sad.

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