I read older blog entries I haven't published ever and won't ever publish and now I'm feeling kind of sad. I feel like I felt back then, in 2009, when breaking up with Andy was new and Nika wasn't there to help as she had her own problems or rather wanted to make me feel like she got her own problems. It was a destructive time back then. I don't know where and who I would be if this all wouldn't have happened but I guess I'd be somewhere and someone else. We can't change our past but we can change our future. I try to tell me this but I feel like building a cave out of my blanket and cry inside it. Cry for the part of me I've lost to Andy. The part of me I've lost to Nika. And the part of me which I gave to Falko which isn't lost yet but maybe one day in the future.
I've looked through his gallery at studiVZ and found an ex - girlfriend of him, at least that's what I think she had been, sitting next to him, looking sweet. And all I think to this picture is: "One day, I'll be just a random ex - girlfriend sitting next to him on some pictures in the past." Yeah, another thing that could make me cry. I'd like to know where we'll be next year, next decade or when we're old like our parents are. I'd love to live in a big house with a nice garden and some cats with him, just being satisfied by sitting next to each other and have had a good life. I easily can imagine being a grandmother without grandchildren, sitting in a rocking chair with a cat on my legs and just watch the sun going down in the evening or the cars driving by.
Sometimes people are way too fast for me. When I walk through the city, I always think "Why are all these people running? And where are they running?" Maybe my therapist is right by telling me I'm like an old woman mostly.
On Monday, I'll start working. I will do an internship at the government of culture and further education and I will kind of organize the Night of Museum there. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? I hope it will be good for something - maybe I can stay in Kiel. Hopefully he can stay in Kiel as well. Then we could stay together in Kiel - wow, how nice it sounds.
By the way, this is my picture of the day:
Maybe there will be a picture of that up next.
Have to go to bed before I fall off my chair. Good Night, world.