Ok..let's go!

Der Himmel ist blau
und der Rest deines Lebens liegt vor dir
Vielleicht wäre es schlau
dich ein letztes Mal umzusehen
Du weißt nicht genau warum
aber irgendwie packt dich die Neugier
Der Himmel ist blau
Und der Rest deines Lebens wird schön

Du hast ein gutes Gefühl
Du denkst an all die schönen Zeiten
Es ist fast zuviel
Jetzt im Moment
neben dir zu stehen
Du hast kein klares Ziel
aber Millionen Möglichkeiten

Ein gutes Gefühl
und du weisst es wird gut
für dich ausgehen

Der Himmel ist blau
Der Himmel ist blau

Die Welt gehört dir
Was wirst du mit ihr machen
Verrate es mir
Spürst du wie die Zeit verrinnt

Jetzt stehst du hier
und du hörst nicht auf zu lachen
Die Welt gehört dir
und der Rest deines Lebens beginnt

Der Himmel ist blau
So blau
So blau....

Die Ärzte - Himmelblau

Yeah, I know, it's not an English song. But I love it a lot. I was listening to it today when I went home from work and I thought: "Yeah, it's true, you have no real goal but a few thousand possibilities so you can do whatever you want. Your whole life is in front of you and it's gonna be good." - Don't ask me where I got this feeling or why. This day wasn't any special and I got some aches in my tummy because I have to spend my weekend in Denmark with Jasmin, without Falko and far away from home. Wow, I never thought I could like home that much. I just hope it will be better afterwards. No EHEC for me, please.

My picture of the day..uhm, I have to look for it.

This is Uschi, the friendly locomotive. I used to spend my evenings with her when I was a teenager as this playground is located near my dancing school and me and my friends used to hang around there to drink, smoke and have a nice time on Saturday evenings, when our parents thought we were only dancing. That was a nice time.. sigh.
So, I'm heading of to Denmark to produce some maps of stones for my geology studies. I will be going there on Thursday morning and come back on Saturday evening. On Sunday there will be the big car boot sale downtown so I won't be able to sleep long though. A long weekend without weekend. Hurray. I don't want to go :( I'd love to stay at home and visit the university or go working on Friday. It really sucks.

Well, enough of that already. Gotta go play Hide and Seek with my rats or better eat something before I die starving.
Don't be worried, world, I'm existing, but in another space (and time - I do believe time is running slower in Denmark than in Germany! quite sure!). See you later.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy.. sometimes I know I'm not..

Got two lovely letters from my pen pals today.
The girl from America only wrote "Steffi" and then my address but the post man was clever enough to find me though. I'm impressed. And I felt like hugging the entire world when I found the letters. I'm that happy people seem to like me, at least through my letters.

I have a terrible aching back today. I don't know how to sit or lie or stand because everything hurts. I hope it will be over tomorrow. I don't know what I've done but I've obviously done something.

Tonight, I have an irregular date with Falko as he will have to spend some time with his friend Ole on the weekend and next week will be his holiday starting. I want to go with him so badly, he will spend almost 2 weeks in Ireland, going from pub to pub with his friend Ole. We didn't have any time on last weekend and we won't have much of it this weekend and than he will be gone. He just called me to tell me that he's not that sure if it's a good idea for me to come as he just came home from work and has to go doing sports now and afterwards he should only chill out and go sleep. I counted hours until I'm able to go see him and now he again disappointed me. Phew. I don't know what to do as he said I could come if I still want to, he wouldn't have enough time for me and will have to wake me up at 6:30 AM tomorrow morning to go to work. I don't care when I awake tomorrow as it's only studying, not working but he sounded quite dismissing.

Life is a bitch.

Apocalypse now!

Today there should have been the Apocalypse as some stupid American Christian mend to tell the world. It didn't happen. So now what, asshole?
I hoped the world would collapse. It would be kind of funny to experience such a thing. I guess, it wouldn't if I were in. But in theory it sounds like a nice idea. Everything would be over and it would end with a big bang. Little sensation - better than just quietly sleep away, I guess.

My altered rat is very happy to be with the others again. He cuddled with his worst enemy Sam for a while and now he's eating the same amount Sam does. He'll be a big rat, I guess. Altered rats have a tendency for becoming big. More to love, that's what I'll say about it. He was so sweet in this little cage, he always sat close to the edge and looked at me when I came near as if he wanted to say: "Hi Mom, could you please take me out of here? It's not the right seize for me.". Now he can move into the wardrobe again and I guess he will be that happy when he realizes. They're running around freely right now.

Falko is back in Kiel again and all over sudden I feel dependent again. It was a nice weekend although I mostly thought about him, wishing he'd be with me. I almost cried on Friday night as Kim and Darl were that happy holding and kissing each other. But I'm a big girl, I don't cry. So I felt independent and I loved it. The thought that I can use my time as I want to was quiet nice. Although I was a little bored yesterday, it was some kind of.. I don't know, it's a weird feeling. Now I'm sitting here, asking myself if it is right to feel like that and if I wouldn't be happier without a relationship. I love him - oh, how much I love him - but I seem to like more freedom I got .. well, I got in my head. In reality I've got as much freedom as I like, I could even say: "I don't want to spend the weekend with you, I have other plans." and he wouldn't even be sad about it (or at least he would but he wouldn't tell..). But my head or heart or some other goddamn part of me keeps telling me I am tied to him and have to spend as much time with him as I can - although he doesn't share this opinion as he likes to spend time with his friends when they ask. That's okay for me, I don't mean he shouldn't do it but - ah, I don't know, I can't even explain. Maybe like that: I would more likely refuse going out with my friends to spend time with him as he would. And that makes me confused, a little bit sad and angry.
Goddamn Sundays. I hate them.

I'm going to watch My Name is Earl now. 3 Episodes left til Season 4 is finished. No more My Name is Earl for me. So sad.

You're a man...aren't you?

Finally, my Johnny is altered. He's alive and well, being curious and cheeky like a rat is but he doesn't like to be in that 40x60cm cage which even fits on my writing desk! How can people seriously think about keeping animals in such cages? I mean, there must be people who do that as they wouldn't be for sale otherwise. It's so sad to see Johnny in a cage he can hardly turn around in. He got food, a house and a hammock in there which are the main things he shall have. But I can't wait to keep him with his friends in the wardrobe again.

We have to repay a lot for electricity. It's a huge amount which doesn't ruin us completely but close to it. If we have an additional payment for our heating installation as well our flat - share cash box will be empty and out of order for a few months.
It's too bad we have these boilers in kitchen and bathroom and a dishwasher as well. And the municipal utility of Kiel is just so expansive because people are too lazy to change their supplier of electric energy.

Wow, the rats are fighting without Johnny though. Maybe they have to fight out who's gonna be the next boss. I just hope Johnny won't be a victim without his balls now.

Oh, I need a picture of the day.. let's see..

I'm going write an answer letter for my pen pal in England now. Trying to keep an eye on the boys meanwhile. They are crazy - or close to it.

Have a nice evening, world wide web!

Where did the summer go?

I still remember the days, when I was able to take pictures like these:

But now it doesn't stop raining. This grey ceiling makes me feel depressed and let's me lose my will to live and to have fun though.

Johnny is going to be altered. He will lose his eggs finally. My doctor said it's the only way making his aggression stop. On Friday, yeah, on Falko's birthday, he made Sam bleed and I had to stay at home. I hated him for that, we had planned such a nice weekend together which didn't work out because I had to stay with my pets. So, yesterday, I visited the vet and on Thursday will be his big day. I hope it works out as we all hope.

Working at the Government of Kiel is pretty much fun. Most of the time I don't know what to do but it was my second day today should become better within the next days or weeks. Tomorrow will be the placing of some "Stolpersteine" which are memorials for the victims of the NS regime during WW 2. There will be 21 stones placed all over Kiel and our mayor will hold a speech, so I am the girl for the electricity, yeah. More responsibility for the little girl I still am.

Sam is cuddling with me finally. He sits on my shoulder and I'm even allowed to pet him. Hooray.
There will be True Blood on TV later that evening and my flat-mate bought torte to party that. I only want to sleep but I can't do that to her.

Well, Good Night World Wide Web.

Rats, rats, rats

I just read older posts from this blog and learned that I wanted to write about my rats obviously. I'll do it in a jiffy.

So, my rats are 6 months old now and they are still fighting who could be the chief. I'm thinking about starting a Bachblüten therapy with Johnny at the moment as he seems to be the aggressive one of the four. They love running around me in the evening and I still constructed no fences made of wood although I think about it for almost 4 months now. I need my money for other things though. Rumo is the bravest one of the four. He is the one who tries to discover anything new as the first one and he is the one who loves to climb on my shoulder. He's followed by Sam who is people-oriented and is the one who is happy when I enter the room. He loves to climb up my leg until he reaches my shoulder and then just sit there and look around. I think he will be cuddly when he's older. Furthermore he is the one who feeds the most. After they're back in their cage, it's him who sits there for like hours and eats until I go to sleep. Most of the times he seems to stop it and go to sleep then as well.
Johnny is very afraid of people. He always yells when I take him and he tries to escape when I come to close. Sometimes he climbs on my shoulder as well but only if there are other rats near him.
Max doesn't really know what to think of me yet. Sometimes he likes to be near but he likes his freedom as well. Let's see where all of this goes.
I would say I love Rumo the most but that is not fair. I love all 4 of them with their own characters and it was a good decision to have pets although on some days I'd like not to have to care about them. But when they come to me to snuggle with me, I forget these days and just be happy.

Yeah, but now I'm going to bed to make Sam sleep. Bye.

Yesterday stays yesterday and the future's yet to come.

I read older blog entries I haven't published ever and won't ever publish and now I'm feeling kind of sad. I feel like I felt back then, in 2009, when breaking up with Andy was new and Nika wasn't there to help as she had her own problems or rather wanted to make me feel like she got her own problems. It was a destructive time back then. I don't know where and who I would be if this all wouldn't have happened but I guess I'd be somewhere and someone else. We can't change our past but we can change our future. I try to tell me this but I feel like building a cave out of my blanket and cry inside it. Cry for the part of me I've lost to Andy. The part of me I've lost to Nika. And the part of me which I gave to Falko which isn't lost yet but maybe one day in the future.
I've looked through his gallery at studiVZ and found an ex - girlfriend of him, at least that's what I think she had been, sitting next to him, looking sweet. And all I think to this picture is: "One day, I'll be just a random ex - girlfriend sitting next to him on some pictures in the past." Yeah, another thing that could make me cry. I'd like to know where we'll be next year, next decade or when we're old like our parents are. I'd love to live in a big house with a nice garden and some cats with him, just being satisfied by sitting next to each other and have had a good life. I easily can imagine being a grandmother without grandchildren, sitting in a rocking chair with a cat on my legs and just watch the sun going down in the evening or the cars driving by.
Sometimes people are way too fast for me. When I walk through the city, I always think "Why are all these people running? And where are they running?" Maybe my therapist is right by telling me I'm like an old woman mostly.
On Monday, I'll start working. I will do an internship at the government of culture and further education and I will kind of organize the Night of Museum there. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? I hope it will be good for something - maybe I can stay in Kiel. Hopefully he can stay in Kiel as well. Then we could stay together in Kiel - wow, how nice it sounds.

By the way, this is my picture of the day:

I made a series of pictures of my rats as they were so sweet today. I cleaned the room for our party on Saturday so it's kind of new for them and they have to fight out who the boss is. I found it awful and had nothing else to do. And I'm still looking for any new motives for posters as the one poster with Rumo looks very nice on my wall.
Maybe there will be a picture of that up next.

Have to go to bed before I fall off my chair. Good Night, world.

Somewhere over the rainbow..

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.

I visited the local aquarium with a friend yesterday and took some pictures. This is one of the best. It's not that easy with all these glass in front of the fishes.

We walked through the city and talked about future today. It's really depressing as we both don't know where we will work and live next year. You wonder what future will bring. Maybe you'll live many miles away from me. Will you still love me then?

I feel a little bit sad right now. I have an aching tooth and I miss my boyfriend and I wonder what future will bring. Saturday, there will be the "I live for one year with Jane now" - Party and I don't feel like partying. I do hope the pain is over tomorrow - it'll be weekend and I'll spend it with you - at least mostly. But I don't feel like really doing it. I'm just... sad. Trying to think positive. But haven't reached that point where I can keep my head up all the time.
I want to buy a house with you and live in peace for eternity :(

It's good night.. not goodbye.