Montag, 21. März 2011

Last few words before going to sleepmode.

I finally reached this point where I feel like I've gotta say: "Goodbye and thanks for all the fish."

No, seriously. On evenings like this I think about the many, many differences between me and him and wonder if it's the right thing to be in a relationship together. He is a man who needs and loves his freedom and plans things without me all the time. I'm more like the stick together person who doesn't know what to do with that much freedom and when I'm making plans I usually surrender how he could fit into them.
I want to go on holidays with him so badly. He wants to go on holidays all alone. I would love to share an apartment with him. He wants to buy an apartment for himself without considering what's happening to our relationship in the future.
I'm just sad and don't know where to go or what to do with myself. Maybe I'm just that sick and tired. Before he called this evening, I was just happy to spend time with my boys, watching TV and enjoying myself. After he called, I felt like crying. My whole world broke down. It feels like he quit but he didn't. It's just one goddamn weekend he won't spend with me. In April. There may be more. And he doesn't consider me to go with him like Vivi supposed. That's just so... I even don't know how to describe it, it feels like I'm not a part of his life and never shall be.

Well, it supports my "you're worthless" - thoughts just well. Hurray. I think I gotta talk about all this with him on Wednesday. It's gonna be great .. wait, great isn't the right word ..I even hate myself for thinking these things yet.

Good Night World.